This is just something that I need to get out. It's kind of sappy and not a side of me that I share...ever...so consider yourself warned.
For those who know me know that I am pretty much an open book. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve by way of expressing love and appreciation for people. But when it comes to matters of the heart or falling in love I am a very very guarded person. Often I joke and say asinine things as a way of making light a very sensitive subject for me.
I gave a talk in sacrament meeting last week about fear. The idea came to me while I was reading the Book of Mormon on the train to work, like I do everyday, as a small impression. Since I always like to select a topic to speak on that I know this was something that I needed to learn about.
This is essentially what my talk boiled to: Fear is a tool that the adversary uses to prevent us from fulfilling our divine role and duty on this Earth. Fear prevents us from action. Fear is the opposite of faith and even love.
The fear of rejection pretty much dictates my love/lack-of love life.
I have never really allowed myself to think about how wonderful it would be to be married or have a family of my own because in some strange way I think that if it doesn't happen then I won't be as crushed or disappointed as I would have been if I dreamed, talked, or pined for it. It's a self preservation thing. Plus being in graduate school from the age of 25-28 1/2 was not only a very convenient distraction but also a way to protect myself from any potential rejection by way of excuse. But now that I am out of school, turning 30 in August, actually have time to think, and see everybody and their dog married with multiple children, I feel like I am missing a big part of my life.
As a side note I do not regret going to graduate school one bit. It was the most difficult and trying experience of my life as well as the most rewarding. I will literally be paying for it for a long time, but it has allowed me to learn, experience, and grow in ways I never knew were possible. It was absolutely the right decision for me.
So last week I started talking/flirting with this guy via facebook, who is a friend of a friend, lives on the other side of the country, and is also "old, LDS, and single." Well we commiserated on how sucky the dating scenes are in the places we've been and how frustrating it is to be nearly 30 without any prospects. I found myself for the first time really opening up about how much I really want to find a companion/eternal partner (for the Mormon folk out there) and how much I want to have kids of my own. Well shit, the floodgates have opened and now I find myself thinking about it a lot and I am a freaking emotional wreck. It's kind of like I have protected myself for so long against getting my hopes up or what-ifs that now I have opened up to someone I feel like my heart is kind of raw and exposed. It's scary to me.
So after preparing for this talk I gave last week I know that I need to let go of the fear of allowing myself to feel these emotions. It's okay to admit that I want to fall in love, get married, and have a family. So here I am admitting it.
I have never been one to settle for mediocrity. I would rather go without something than have something that doesn't work or isn't what I really want. Take for example the fact that I don't have a couch, tv, or very much furniture. I would rather wait and find something that I really love than settle for something that is okay for the time being. As I am writing this I see a very obvious and direct correlation to this and my heart. I would rather be single than married to someone that isn't right for me.
Another side of this whole issue is that I have very high expectations for myself and am extremely self critical. I tend to beat myself up so much that when I get even the smallest form of rejection I become extremely discouraged. But on the flip side if somebody tells me I can't do something I tend to go on a "Screw you, I'm going to prove you wrong" kind of mission. I am a walking contradiction at times, and let me tell you it can be exhausting.
I know that if I don't find someone in this lifetime that I will be okay...it's not going to be easy and I suspect I will cry a lot...but I know I will be okay.
The only thing is that when I am with somebody, and not even in a romantic way, but when I am in a companionship with another person, male or female, old or young, I am a better person. I am more charitable. I am more loving. I am happier. I am encouraging. I am a better version of myself. Now thinking of this version but sharing a life with someone I love...would be pretty amazing.
So I am attempting to do everything that I can to let go of my fears and become the best person that I can spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically, as well as not beat up on myself so much.
Until I do find the person that I want to be with forever I just have to have faith in the Lord and his timing.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Hipsters Please Return To Your Caves
I find hipsters very annoying.
Are you trying to look completely unattractive and homeless? Do you really think that your blue and pink paisley skirt, brown shirt, scraggly knit scarf and giant sunglasses are cute? Dude, I don't want to see your junk so please refrain from wearing pants that are 3 sizes too small for you.
It's kind of rough seeing as though I live in Brooklyn, home of the modern day hipster. But thankfully I live in a gentrifying area so there are only a fraction of those kinds here. I'd much rather hang out with my Caribbean friends at "Arlyene's Laundromat" or "Bakers Delight" and Miss Annie at "Annie's 88 Chinese Take Out." They are far less pretentious and judgmental unlike people such as...myself...who judges hipsters...
Are you trying to look completely unattractive and homeless? Do you really think that your blue and pink paisley skirt, brown shirt, scraggly knit scarf and giant sunglasses are cute? Dude, I don't want to see your junk so please refrain from wearing pants that are 3 sizes too small for you.
It's kind of rough seeing as though I live in Brooklyn, home of the modern day hipster. But thankfully I live in a gentrifying area so there are only a fraction of those kinds here. I'd much rather hang out with my Caribbean friends at "Arlyene's Laundromat" or "Bakers Delight" and Miss Annie at "Annie's 88 Chinese Take Out." They are far less pretentious and judgmental unlike people such as...myself...who judges hipsters...
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Another Epic Homeless Person Story
So I had an interesting experience tonight on the subway for the weekly Hotdogs and Homework tutoring session in Harlem.
Those who know me know that I rarely time anything correctly. I like to think that things take a lot less time than they actually do. For example traveling to and from...anywhere. Instead of adding in extra time I usually think to myself "If I time it just right I can make it there in 15 minutes." Things end up taking 2x as long because I miss a train or the trains late or it really does take more than 15 minutes to get there. For some reason no matter how stupid I feel being late I do it over and over again.
With that being said I hop on the local train feeling pretty good about myself because I had 1) gone during lunch to get candy and eggs for the H&H Easter Egg Hunt so I didn't have to scramble to do it after work and 2) I left work on time (usually it's the scenario in the previous paragraph.) Switch to the express train flawlessly. Not too crowded and after one stop I actually get a seat. But not just any seat, I get one of the fold up handicap seats at the front of the train that are big enough for 2 small people or one really big person. So there I am feeling pretty good; playing spider solitaire, sitting in an awesome seat not having to touch anybody else, and listening to Morrissey. Life is good.
Then at Times Square a bunch of people get on the train as always. It's packed. But I'm perfectly content. Then as the train gets going, the driver brakes a few times and the train jerks, nothing out of the ordinary. Well I notice that this lady standing a few feet away from me is not holding onto a pole or anything even though she is standing right next to one. So she's moving all around as the train jerks. I think...she's not too bright or she's drunk. I have to stop myself and try not to look at her even though she was making a spectacle of herself. Well that only lasted for so long.
So after nearly falling over a few times this lady proceeds to crouch down and riffle through her duffle bag, that was featuring a carton of Marlboros visible through the mesh top. She removes her big black coat, under which is a dirty pink and white dyed tank-top and rugged looking arms with a few random tattoos dabbled over her arms. Then BAM, as Emerald would say,...the homeless person stench. Gross. Not the worst that I have smelled, but certainly not the best. She riffles through her bag again and takes a few big swigs from a water bottle, then a few swigs of what looks like cough syrup. Interesting. Then I notice this guy that is standing next to me in the door way of the train make kind of large disapproving/annoyed gestures as she's doing her thing. More about him in a minute.
By this time we have made a few stops and more people had gotten off the train. She moved over towards me and crouched on the ground up against wall between the two handicap seats. I turn my body sideways so she has more room for her stuff and so she doesn't touch me, because let's face it who knows what's growing on her. Well she pulls out some head phones and blasts this weird gypsy/sitar/indian music. She has her hands in her ratty light brown hair shaking her head and was either making strange noises or singing. I could not tell which.
Usually I will ignore these people because I am becoming jaded. By living in New York it is just a part of your daily routine to run into the riff-raff (i.e. homeless people, beggars, drunks, etc.). So I have come to be pretty good at ignoring them or finding them really annoying. As I sat in my chair sideways trying not to let this lady touch me or get too close to me every single time I thought that I should be annoyed for some reason sympathy immediately replaced that thought. I began to think about what terrible things she must have gone through in her life to come to this point. Then I began thinking how horrible it must be to not be of sound mind quite possibly due to drugs and/or mental illness. I was overwhelmed with sympathy instead of my usual selfish ignorance. I then thought that I would give her my seat at the next stop because she was still crouched down and obviously uncomfortable.
As the train came to a stop I scooted forward then tapped her on the shoulder and told her to take my seat. I stood up and walked over to the pole. As I turned around all I saw was the guy who was standing next to me in the doorway rushing and pushing his butt down on the chair as she was trying to sit down. It was like looking at two kids fighting over the single chair left during musical chairs. Well he was much larger than her and kind of squished her against the side. They begin to argue. Crap. Without thinking I step closer and tell the gentleman that I stood up to give her my seat even though I wasn't getting off for a few more stops. He looks at me like "Who gives a f#@* lady." So give him a strange look like "I can't believe you're such a prick" and step back and proceed to put my headphones back in and ignore the ensuing conflict that I somehow unintentionally created.
I look at my game of spider solitaire and make a couple moves. The guy had pushed her so much and made it so uncomfortable she got off of the chair. Next thing I know she is front of me insisting on giving me a $20 bill. WTF? She said that it was very nice of me to offer up my seat and that she had been waiting for other people to offer their seat but no one did. I refused the money and told her she was very sweet but not to worry about it. She would not take no for an answer and ended up dropping the $20 down the front of my shirt and running back to her spot. Mind you this is all happening with train full of spectators. I took the $20 out of my shirt and turned placed it on her jacket. I thanked her but told her I couldn't take it. I turned around and put my headphones back in and tried to get back to spider solitaire.
Since my music wasn't quite high enough the next thing I hear is him saying "Oh you think you have so much money, look at this." I look over and he has pulled out a folded stack of money with a rubber band around it from the inside pocket of his coat. She then said "Yeah, you think you have so much because you have it tied together with a rubber band?" He chimes back attempting to mock her "What is that like $200?" "Try $4,000" she says.
Are you freaking kidding me you two?
To recap: We have a small smelly belligerent mentally ill/drugged white lady in her mid to late thirties with $4,000 arguing with an overweight black man in his early 40's wearing a puffy coat and small wire framed sunglasses who has the maturity level of a 12 year old and a folded wad of money. Could this get any more strange?!
Well they both continued arguing and he was calling her names and she started calling him names. I didn't hear everything because Morrissey was trying to drown them out. But then I did hear when the race card got pulled into it. He said something like "if you say n*@##$r one more time I'm going to hit you." Well she yells it again, then he yells back, threatening some type of violence. He stands up and she stands up and they're just yelling, going at it. I knew I had to diffuse the situation immediately because it was so ridiculous and in a way I felt responsible, also looking around it was obvious that nobody else was going to do anything to prevent the inevitable physical fight.
What popped into my head was Easter. As soon as there was a break in their fight I chimed in loudly and said "Hey, is Easter this Sunday or next? I don't remember." The lady turns towards me, her facial expression immediately changes and says "Oh you're a church goer too? It's this Sunday." She then rattles off to herself how at least there is a nice person on the train who was willing to give up her seat and that this guy over here threatened to hit a woman.
The guy just stands there fuming and being all offended. I make eye contact with him a few times and he said "She called me a n@#**r" trying to almost justify his anger and actions. All I did was give him a sympathetic look and say "I know" and shook my head. I wanted him to know that I wasn't taking sides in the argument and that she was obviously not in her right mind. Even though I though he acted like a child and chose to take offense and provoke this obviously unstable person.
Things were still tense and the two crazies were still making jabs at one another but at least they weren't in each others faces anymore.
Finally my stop came. HALLELUJAH! I looked back at the crowd that had been watching then quicly stepped off the train. As a mother and her two children started to get on the train I stopped her and suggested that they get on the next train or a little further down. As she stepped in and heard the people arguing she looked back at me kind of in an "Ah, thanks for the tip" and then ushered her kids down to the other side of the cab.
As I walked away down the platform I had to fight back tears. What in the hell had just happened?!
The whole situation really upset me. I hate conflict and unnecessary contention.
I don't know why but I had an unusual sense of sympathy for this lady.
I had the prompting to give this lady my seat.
A bizarre conflict started and escalated to near punches.
I had another prompting of how to (and the courage to) diffuse the situation.
I am not really sure what I was supposed to learn from this situation or if it was for somebody else to learn something from. By the time I made it to the church I was no longer fighting back tears. When I walked inside the church the anxiety melted away and soon I was stuffing plastic eggs with candy and completely forgot about train ride with the two crazies.
Those who know me know that I rarely time anything correctly. I like to think that things take a lot less time than they actually do. For example traveling to and from...anywhere. Instead of adding in extra time I usually think to myself "If I time it just right I can make it there in 15 minutes." Things end up taking 2x as long because I miss a train or the trains late or it really does take more than 15 minutes to get there. For some reason no matter how stupid I feel being late I do it over and over again.
With that being said I hop on the local train feeling pretty good about myself because I had 1) gone during lunch to get candy and eggs for the H&H Easter Egg Hunt so I didn't have to scramble to do it after work and 2) I left work on time (usually it's the scenario in the previous paragraph.) Switch to the express train flawlessly. Not too crowded and after one stop I actually get a seat. But not just any seat, I get one of the fold up handicap seats at the front of the train that are big enough for 2 small people or one really big person. So there I am feeling pretty good; playing spider solitaire, sitting in an awesome seat not having to touch anybody else, and listening to Morrissey. Life is good.
Then at Times Square a bunch of people get on the train as always. It's packed. But I'm perfectly content. Then as the train gets going, the driver brakes a few times and the train jerks, nothing out of the ordinary. Well I notice that this lady standing a few feet away from me is not holding onto a pole or anything even though she is standing right next to one. So she's moving all around as the train jerks. I think...she's not too bright or she's drunk. I have to stop myself and try not to look at her even though she was making a spectacle of herself. Well that only lasted for so long.
So after nearly falling over a few times this lady proceeds to crouch down and riffle through her duffle bag, that was featuring a carton of Marlboros visible through the mesh top. She removes her big black coat, under which is a dirty pink and white dyed tank-top and rugged looking arms with a few random tattoos dabbled over her arms. Then BAM, as Emerald would say,...the homeless person stench. Gross. Not the worst that I have smelled, but certainly not the best. She riffles through her bag again and takes a few big swigs from a water bottle, then a few swigs of what looks like cough syrup. Interesting. Then I notice this guy that is standing next to me in the door way of the train make kind of large disapproving/annoyed gestures as she's doing her thing. More about him in a minute.
By this time we have made a few stops and more people had gotten off the train. She moved over towards me and crouched on the ground up against wall between the two handicap seats. I turn my body sideways so she has more room for her stuff and so she doesn't touch me, because let's face it who knows what's growing on her. Well she pulls out some head phones and blasts this weird gypsy/sitar/indian music. She has her hands in her ratty light brown hair shaking her head and was either making strange noises or singing. I could not tell which.
Usually I will ignore these people because I am becoming jaded. By living in New York it is just a part of your daily routine to run into the riff-raff (i.e. homeless people, beggars, drunks, etc.). So I have come to be pretty good at ignoring them or finding them really annoying. As I sat in my chair sideways trying not to let this lady touch me or get too close to me every single time I thought that I should be annoyed for some reason sympathy immediately replaced that thought. I began to think about what terrible things she must have gone through in her life to come to this point. Then I began thinking how horrible it must be to not be of sound mind quite possibly due to drugs and/or mental illness. I was overwhelmed with sympathy instead of my usual selfish ignorance. I then thought that I would give her my seat at the next stop because she was still crouched down and obviously uncomfortable.
As the train came to a stop I scooted forward then tapped her on the shoulder and told her to take my seat. I stood up and walked over to the pole. As I turned around all I saw was the guy who was standing next to me in the doorway rushing and pushing his butt down on the chair as she was trying to sit down. It was like looking at two kids fighting over the single chair left during musical chairs. Well he was much larger than her and kind of squished her against the side. They begin to argue. Crap. Without thinking I step closer and tell the gentleman that I stood up to give her my seat even though I wasn't getting off for a few more stops. He looks at me like "Who gives a f#@* lady." So give him a strange look like "I can't believe you're such a prick" and step back and proceed to put my headphones back in and ignore the ensuing conflict that I somehow unintentionally created.
I look at my game of spider solitaire and make a couple moves. The guy had pushed her so much and made it so uncomfortable she got off of the chair. Next thing I know she is front of me insisting on giving me a $20 bill. WTF? She said that it was very nice of me to offer up my seat and that she had been waiting for other people to offer their seat but no one did. I refused the money and told her she was very sweet but not to worry about it. She would not take no for an answer and ended up dropping the $20 down the front of my shirt and running back to her spot. Mind you this is all happening with train full of spectators. I took the $20 out of my shirt and turned placed it on her jacket. I thanked her but told her I couldn't take it. I turned around and put my headphones back in and tried to get back to spider solitaire.
Since my music wasn't quite high enough the next thing I hear is him saying "Oh you think you have so much money, look at this." I look over and he has pulled out a folded stack of money with a rubber band around it from the inside pocket of his coat. She then said "Yeah, you think you have so much because you have it tied together with a rubber band?" He chimes back attempting to mock her "What is that like $200?" "Try $4,000" she says.
Are you freaking kidding me you two?
To recap: We have a small smelly belligerent mentally ill/drugged white lady in her mid to late thirties with $4,000 arguing with an overweight black man in his early 40's wearing a puffy coat and small wire framed sunglasses who has the maturity level of a 12 year old and a folded wad of money. Could this get any more strange?!
Well they both continued arguing and he was calling her names and she started calling him names. I didn't hear everything because Morrissey was trying to drown them out. But then I did hear when the race card got pulled into it. He said something like "if you say n*@##$r one more time I'm going to hit you." Well she yells it again, then he yells back, threatening some type of violence. He stands up and she stands up and they're just yelling, going at it. I knew I had to diffuse the situation immediately because it was so ridiculous and in a way I felt responsible, also looking around it was obvious that nobody else was going to do anything to prevent the inevitable physical fight.
What popped into my head was Easter. As soon as there was a break in their fight I chimed in loudly and said "Hey, is Easter this Sunday or next? I don't remember." The lady turns towards me, her facial expression immediately changes and says "Oh you're a church goer too? It's this Sunday." She then rattles off to herself how at least there is a nice person on the train who was willing to give up her seat and that this guy over here threatened to hit a woman.
The guy just stands there fuming and being all offended. I make eye contact with him a few times and he said "She called me a n@#**r" trying to almost justify his anger and actions. All I did was give him a sympathetic look and say "I know" and shook my head. I wanted him to know that I wasn't taking sides in the argument and that she was obviously not in her right mind. Even though I though he acted like a child and chose to take offense and provoke this obviously unstable person.
Things were still tense and the two crazies were still making jabs at one another but at least they weren't in each others faces anymore.
Finally my stop came. HALLELUJAH! I looked back at the crowd that had been watching then quicly stepped off the train. As a mother and her two children started to get on the train I stopped her and suggested that they get on the next train or a little further down. As she stepped in and heard the people arguing she looked back at me kind of in an "Ah, thanks for the tip" and then ushered her kids down to the other side of the cab.
As I walked away down the platform I had to fight back tears. What in the hell had just happened?!
The whole situation really upset me. I hate conflict and unnecessary contention.
I don't know why but I had an unusual sense of sympathy for this lady.
I had the prompting to give this lady my seat.
A bizarre conflict started and escalated to near punches.
I had another prompting of how to (and the courage to) diffuse the situation.
I am not really sure what I was supposed to learn from this situation or if it was for somebody else to learn something from. By the time I made it to the church I was no longer fighting back tears. When I walked inside the church the anxiety melted away and soon I was stuffing plastic eggs with candy and completely forgot about train ride with the two crazies.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)