Fear and Love

This is just something that I need to get out.  It's kind of sappy and not a side of me that I share...ever...so consider yourself warned.

For those who know me know that I am pretty much an open book.  I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve by way of expressing love and appreciation for people.  But when it comes to matters of the heart or falling in love I am a very very guarded person.  Often I joke and say asinine things as a way of making light a very sensitive subject for me.

I gave a talk in sacrament meeting last week about fear.  The idea came to me while I was reading the Book of Mormon on the train to work, like I do everyday, as a small impression.  Since I always like to select a topic to speak on that I know this was something that I needed to learn about.
This is essentially what my talk boiled to:  Fear is a tool that the adversary uses to prevent us from fulfilling our divine role and duty on this Earth.  Fear prevents us from action.  Fear is the opposite of faith and even love.


The fear of rejection pretty much dictates my love/lack-of love life.

I have never really allowed myself to think about how wonderful it would be to be married or have a family of my own because in some strange way I think that if it doesn't happen then I won't be as crushed or disappointed as I would have been if I dreamed, talked, or pined for it.  It's a self preservation thing.  Plus being in graduate school from the age of 25-28 1/2 was not only a very convenient distraction but also a way to protect myself from any potential rejection by way of excuse.  But now that I am out of school, turning 30 in August, actually have time to think, and see everybody and their dog married with multiple children, I feel like I am missing a big part of my life.

As a side note I do not regret going to graduate school one bit.  It was the most difficult and trying experience of my life as well as the most rewarding.  I will literally be paying for it for a long time, but it has allowed me to learn, experience, and grow in ways I never knew were possible.  It was absolutely the right decision for me.

So last week I started talking/flirting with this guy via facebook, who is a friend of a friend, lives on the other side of the country, and is also "old, LDS, and single."  Well we commiserated on how sucky the dating scenes are in the places we've been and how frustrating it is to be nearly 30 without any prospects.  I found myself for the first time really opening up about how much I really want to find a companion/eternal partner (for the Mormon folk out there) and how much I want to have kids of my own.  Well shit, the floodgates have opened and now I find myself thinking about it a lot and I am a freaking emotional wreck.  It's kind of like I have protected myself for so long against getting my hopes up or what-ifs that now I have opened up to someone I feel like my heart is kind of raw and exposed.  It's scary to me.

So after preparing for this talk I gave last week I know that I need to let go of the fear of allowing myself to feel these emotions.  It's okay to admit that I want to fall in love, get married, and have a family.  So here I am admitting it.

I have never been one to settle for mediocrity.  I would rather go without something than have something that doesn't work or isn't what I really want.  Take for example the fact that I don't have a couch, tv, or very much furniture.  I would rather wait and find something that I really love than settle for something that is okay for the time being.  As I am writing this I see a very obvious and direct correlation to this and my heart.  I would rather be single than married to someone that isn't right for me.

Another side of this whole issue is that I have very high expectations for myself and am extremely self critical.  I tend to beat myself up so much that when I get even the smallest form of rejection I become extremely discouraged.  But on the flip side if somebody tells me I can't do something I tend to go on a "Screw you, I'm going to prove you wrong" kind of mission.  I am a walking contradiction at times, and let me tell you it can be exhausting.

I know that if I don't find someone in this lifetime that I will be okay...it's not going to be easy and I suspect I will cry a lot...but I know I will be okay.
The only thing is that when I am with somebody, and not even in a romantic way, but when I am in a companionship with another person, male or female, old or young, I am a better person.  I am more charitable.  I am more loving.  I am happier.  I am encouraging.  I am a better version of myself.  Now thinking of this version but sharing a life with someone I love...would be pretty amazing.

So I am attempting to do everything that I can to let go of my fears and become the best person that I can spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically, as well as not beat up on myself so much.
Until I do find the person that I want to be with forever I just have to have faith in the Lord and his timing.