Ugh

I am an extremely patient and tolerant person.  But man I am just shocked by how freaking shallow some people can be.  It just blows my mind.

I think being able to see the best and potential in others is a mixed blessing.  It makes me optimistic and gives me hope but inevitably leads to disappointment and even hurt when someone or something is not willing to put in the effort to achieve that potential.  I have a few cases of this in my periphery right now and it's extremely frustrating.  Sometimes I just want to go up to people, shake them and say "Seriously pull your shit together, step-up to the plate, and quit making excuses."

On a happier note Peter is coming into town!!!!  I am so excited!!!!  I shall write about this later.

Happenings Sprinkled with a Side of Seriousness

-So a while back I thought it would be a great idea to get a few seeds and planting supplies, not really thinking about the logistics of the operation.  I now have a billion seedlings and plants.  It's kind of ridiculous.  The photo below was taken before I transferred the seedlings to individual pots (notice the window ledge, too).  Now I have 30+.  I want a yard.

-My little sister Dina (by only 18 months she would clarify) came and visited me for a few days.
She is a phenomenal person, smart, witty, hilarious, fiercely loyal, and so loving and generous.  It's also kind of funny to see that even after becoming adults we are both very protective of each other but in different ways.  When we were standing in line at Pappy's I somehow migrated between her and an obnoxious frat boy that was horsing around.  And she is very protective of how other people treat me and actually how I treat myself.

-A couple days after Dina visited my other little sister Erika and my Dad came through town on their way to move her back to Maine.  When they were pulling into the parking lot behind my building I ran outside and was pretending to wag my tail like a dog in excitement.  My phone popped out of my jacket and landed face down and shattered the screen.  That was a super special moment for me.
But spending time with them was wonderful!  We just hung out, watched movies, and went to QT.  Oh and I made Erika a red velvet llama cake as a belated birthday present.  I have to say it is so far my favorite cake creation.  Maybe next year to top this one maybe a herd of llamas?

Lately I have been struggling with trying to make sense of somethings in my personal life and I really needed to see and spend time with each of them in order to have a little emotional reboot.  I was reminded that my family knows me like nobody else in the world; they get my humor and dish it back, they play off of my personality, they express gratitude and love, and they remind me how I deserve to be treated.  I love them so much and am always so thankful for the time I am able to spend with them.

-I joined match.com and went on my first date last weekend.  I ate sushi for the first and last time.  He was a really nice guy but it wasn't an obvious love connection, however it was a really nice boost to my self esteem.  But I remain open to new experiences and am open to meeting new people.

-I am not really feeling fulfilled in my job right now, I feel like an underpaid glorified drafter.  When you are unemployed or struggle to find a job your self esteem is shot to hell and when you do finally find a job your ability to standup for yourself is compromised.  I in-turn have been putting up with a lot of crap at work, far more than I should.  Actually, when it got really bad I finally stood up for myself and others in the office to my boss, a couple times, and miraculously I wasn't fired, in fact turned out to be a good thing.  But right now I am trying to figure out whether to continue to invest in this place and fight for fair compensation and treatment or whether just to throw in the towel and start looking for another job.  I guess it's time for a good old pros and cons list.

-Oh a dog.  I don't know what my problem is.  I am having a hard time pulling my crap together enough to get one.  I just feel that a dog deserves a yard to run around in and I don't have one right now...maybe that's it...???

-My dear friend Laura from grad school is pregnant with her and her husband's first child.  I seriously almost started happy crying on the phone when she told me.  They've struggled a lot in the past couple years with some serious issues and this is finally a bright beacon for them!  She is an amazing, optimistic, loving, and hardworking person and is going to be the best mom.  Ryan, her husband, already has matching t-shirts for him and their little girl!  Hahaha, so cute!

-As previously mentioned I've been watching this show called Married at First Sight, the premise being a modern day arranged marriage where three couples meet for the first time over the alter.  The biggest deterrents in the relationships were selfishness, immaturity, poor communication, and the most surprising to me was the inability of some of these people to be vulnerable.  Of course this was all manifested through confusion and misinterpretation, which turned into anger, hurt and resentment.  But there were also some very sweet moments and things that made the hidden romantic side of me smile.  What it ultimately came down to was each person's attitude and decision to be dedicated to the experiment and be open to communicating and sharing without taking offense or harboring that resentment.  Man, I should be a psychological expert on the next season.  (I also realized that I say "dude" way too much.)

Speaking of vulnerability, my friend is having me read a book called Daring Greatly.  So far I have only read the introduction but it's about the importance of allowing one's self to be vulnerable in all areas of life.  I'll let you know what I learn...if I actually finish it.

Hahaha...I just remembered the two things I always prayed for as a kid were that 1. that my teeth wouldn't rot and 2. that my future husband would not be afraid to ask me out.  Who knows where in the world I got those two things from but I do know that I want to marry somebody that isn't intimidated by me and all my craziness or by my at times gregarious personality.  I also need somebody that is straightforward and upfront with me because that's the way I roll.  I'm really not a hard person to please I just need effort and appreciation and I'll be putty.

-Oh, I am so excited for another one of my great friends from grad school to visit me!!!  Peter is coming to Hotel Cassie for a couple days then we are going to go up to Chicago for the 4th of July weekend to spend with Adriane, Clayton, Steve and his family!  It is going to be epic, and that is not an overstatement at all.

-I watched Jurassic World.  After suspending my belief in logical science, ignoring half baked subplots, and overlooking the curiously superglued shoes on the heroine of the film I really enjoyed it!  The CGI was really quite good and it kept my attention pretty much the whole time.  It's actually the first movie I've seen in a really long time that I would watch again in the theater.  I have always loved dinosaurs and at one point in my childhood I wanted to be an archeologist so I could dig up dinosaur bones.  (I'll write about my fascination another time.)  Anyhoo, now I want a dinosaur petting zoo.

-Honestly, I'm getting kind of burnt out on my church callings.  But here are a few pictures from the SA outdoor movie & bbq and Girl's Camp.
Carlos and Bryan are such sweethearts, they both came early to help me setup.  Bryan even brought his parents, who had literally just come into town, only because he knew I needed help.  Really great guys.
Even though I was only at Girl's Camp for one day I was reminded why I only attended one year when I was a teenager.  Seriously.  Terrible.  But the girls were sweet and funny.  I had one of the young ones ask me what "year" I was, meaning she thought I was one of the teenagers!  Hahaha!  I'm guessing it was my juvenile behavior and not my youthful round face that confused her.

-One last picture of some random happenings in the recent past.  A Cardinals game with Bryan, Julene, Mama and Papa Hoops, Carlos, and Chantal (aka Chanker).  City Garden with Chantal and Carlos, I was absolutely mesmerized by the color splash water fountain.  And I love this picture of Chantal with her tongue sticking out, it makes me laugh.  Cute Tom's birthday at The Block in the CWE.  For whatever reason he was very reluctant to celebrate it...but he seemed to at least like the bacon ice cream and I think I saw a little smile when I gave him the card I made (which I was quite obnoxiously proud of).  Oh and my first birthday cheesecake...fail.

Okay, that's all for now.

Nicknames

I wrote this blog nearly two months ago and never posted it...I think the world is ready for it now.



I have always loved nicknames and quite often call my friends stupid names or use obnoxious terms of endearment when talking to them or texting, I'm not really sure why I do this.  Some people get it and play along and some people don't.  Anyhoo, I was trying to remember all of the nicknames I have over my lifetime.  So here is a non-exhaustive list of my nicknames:


Fred - from my dad
I have no clue where he got that one from.

Little Irene - from my dad
I was named after my great grandmother whom I supposedly look just like.  When I was a baby I used to play with her floppy earlobes which I have in turn inherited.

Wednesday's Child - from the entire family
Each member in my family was assigned a night to say the prayer at dinner.  I was Wednesday.  My sisters then thought it would be funny to start calling me Wednesday's Child (it was a segment on the news that would feature a kid that was up for adoption), thus perpetuating the tale that I was adopted.  For the longest time I seriously thought that I was adopted.

Stubs - from my sisters
My loving sisters said that my fingers and toes looked like they had been chopped off with a butchers knife and called me Stubs.  After many years I finally accepted the name and now it's a part of my email address.

Marco - from my dad
My dad started calling me this in high school when I first attended the CloseUp Washington DC program with my uncle's school from California.  He was referring to Marco Polo the explorer and budding my sense of adventure and my seemingly unafraid attitude towards travel.  So whenever I travel or am embarking on some adventure he whips out the name Marco.

Sunshine - Dr. Bowen my boss in high school and post college
For some reason he started calling me this.  It might have been that I would often smile and was actually nice to the patients.  Oh yeah he also called me "Woody" for a while after I dyed my hair bright red (in support of my sister whom at the time had ovarian tumors and a mega surgery), that was in reference to Woody the Woodpecker.

C-Note - my friends Ben and Sean in college
We were watching an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Will calls Carleton "C-Note".  Both of them immediately turned to me and called me C-Note and laughed.  To this day Ben still refers to me by that name.

Terrorist - from my dad
This is my most recent nickname.  I can't remember the exact incident that inspired this name...but it might have been last year when I sprayed my father with a hose after he wouldn't stop trying to cut down a tree in our yard.  He sometimes gets a bee in his bonnet and has to do something right at that moment and the only way you can break his concentration is an extreme intervention of some type.  A hose was appropriate for the tree scenario.
It might have also started when I started giving my dad titty-twisters when he would do something stupid or tease me about something.

I forgot about:
Vesuvius - from my dad
I got this one when I was a young teen.  I tend to internalize things and lay "dormant" until one day when I've had enough, I explode and absolutely wipe out anything and everything.  I still do this but my meltdowns are fairly controlled and not in front of others.

Cutie-Pa-Tootie - from my mom
This is the one and only nickname from my mom, she has never been one to use terms of endearment.  So I have no idea where she came up with this one from but for some reason a few years ago whenever I would call her for our weekly Sunday chats she would answer her phone "Hey there Cutie-Pa-Tootie" or "Whatcha doing Cutie-Pa-Tootie?"

Redefining Cassie

Being your own worst enemy is exhausting.

So I've been thinking a lot about myself and certain aspects of my personality that I have always seen as deterrents to...anybody...but through a few different conversations with my friends and some family members I have learned that some of those traits are actually things that define me and make me who I am.

1.  I am not stubborn, rather I am persistent.

It is true that you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink.  Well, sometimes I tend to put the horse in a choke hold and shove its face into the water.  Then if that doesn't work I will wire the horse's jaw open and get a fire hose.  

 

I have never been one to give up easily, especially if it is in the service of others or will benefit somebody else.  I do not like to be told that something cannot be done.  I do not believe in definitive or generalized statements because there is always an exception to the rule or something else that may govern the situation that I or others may not see.  Often times I believe it is merely perspective that tells me "no" and it isn't necessarily truth.  So I wouldn't necessarily say stubborn I just won't give up until I have explored all options that I am able to or...kill the horse.

When I was three or four my parents had taken my sisters and I to the 4th of July parade in Salt Lake.  We were lined up on the street watching the floats when I, for whatever reason, needed my dad's attention.  Tugging his shirt, hitting his legs, or yelling did not get him to redirect his attention from his friend to me.  So after a good ten minutes of pestering him I made one last ditch effort for attention, I bit him.  Mind you I was only three or four years old so I was...well...crotch height.  My father recounts the story with such animation and says that he had never felt a pain so intensely excruciating as he experienced at that moment.  Needless to say I finally got his attention.  So you see, I've always been "persistent" (with a little scorched earth at the end).

2.  I'm not intense, rather I'm passionate.

I like the idea of passion much better because it lends more to a caring and loving aspect in action versus something that doesn't necessarily have to have either.  Intensity is merely the level at which one acts, but passion is the depth behind the action at whatever level it may be at.

Okay that's enough contemplation for tonight because I'm not iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiib bv v        iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii         c                                    cicc   c fbiioio                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              koof0    k,v                   pkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkjkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkjmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmkkko-                                                                                                                      lk                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              ;.//v

Hahaha...I fell asleep while I was typing last night.  It kind of reminds me of my grad school notes.

Renee, Arranged Marriages, NY, Teaching, Rain, etc.

So I've started 4 different blog posts about various things and haven't really felt like finishing the thoughts and posting them.  So for now here are some short random ones:


-It was one of my dearest and most wonderful friend Renee's birthday this last week.  She is sweet, kind, spunky, hilarious, devoted, selfless, creative, intelligent, hardworking, generous, and unconditionally loving.  I am blessed to have her in my corner.

-There's a TV show called Married at First Sight on A&E that I initially thought was just another b.s. crap reality show.  Then I saw an episode when I was at the gym and to my surprise I found it very interesting.  I don't know whether or not that interest is caused by my perpetual state of spinsterhood but the idea of a modern day arranged marriage doesn't sound so bad!

-I miss my nieces and nephew so much.  Clio got on my case this last weekend as to when I was actually going to come visit.  Then I got a text message from Milo asking when I was coming out.  So I just bought my plane tickets to visit them in a couple weeks.  I am so excited to see them!  I have to finish making their belated birthday presents before I go.  I'm making MOC unicycling t-shirts and then designing Hugh another Hugh-ism shirt.

-I might be taking out my endowments in the Manhattan Temple when I go, depending upon whether Briana can make it up that weekend.  If she can't then I'll just take out my endowments in the St. Louis Temple whenever she can come visit me.  Exciting.

-Teaching is great.  I really enjoy it and it helps break up my days and week because I hate the idea of sitting at a desk for the majority of my life.  Today we did flight tests of their flying machine prototypes.  Good times.  I had to push two of my students to fly their machines because they were sooooo overly concerned that they were going to break, and of course they did, but they have to learn that their models are not precious and that they have to test the idea.

-I have come to the realization that I am not an intense person but rather a passionate person.  I used to get so frustrated with people that didn't care about certain things as much as I did.  It actually would drive me crazy so I would complain about it to family members and they would gently point out that 9 times out of 10 I am being overbearing or overly invested into something that was obviously not going to yield the return that I had hoped for.  So over the past few years I have had to learn to temper my expectations of people because it is not fair for me to impose those onto others.

-I am so grateful to be back in St. Louis.  I know this is where I am supposed to be right now.

-Poor Boston had to have his eye removed because he had a tumor that started growing excessively on his eyelid.  Now he's a super clingy pirate dog with a stuffed parrot as a sidekick.

-The P&P Torture Night group are moving on to different movies and shows now...but so far they're all movies from the same genre that I have not seen nor would ever see under any other circumstance.  Last night we watched the first half of Sense and Sensibility.  Yup, it's just as...Jane Austeney as the others.  The ladies are simply wonderful and hilarious.  I am so thankful that I have had the opportunity to get to know them and can now call them my friends.

-I love rainstorms, there is one passing over as I type this.  I opened my windows and back door to let in the fresh air and beautiful sound of the downpour.  It's so calming and peaceful.  I love it.
When I was a kid our family lived on the avenues in Salt Lake and our front porch overlooked the valley.  When rainstorms would come rolling through we would all gather on the porch and sit on the long church pew that my parents bought from our church when it was being renovated.  I remember the thunder cracking so loudly that the whole earth shook.  My parents would just laugh at the excitement while my sisters and I cowered under our blankets.  When I got older (and lived in a different house) my favorite thing was to sit on the porch swing on our covered deck with a blanket and listen to the rain hit the millions of leaves in our backyard and gully.  To me that was absolutely magical and time didn't seem to matter.  So whenever rainstorms come through I always want to grab a blanket, curl up, and let time stand still.

Surprise

This is what I find after letting a 3 year old play with my phone during sacrament meeting...

Whateve's

I have wanted a dog of my own since I started grad school, many moons ago.  I have often come up with excuses why I shouldn't get one as of yet, some of them are legitimate such as not having a job.  But others less so like the fear of them getting old and dying or thinking that I would always get one with my husband.

Recently in my concerted efforts to take better care of myself emotionally I've decided it's okay for me to finally get a dog.  Yes, I know it's going to be a lot of work for a single person but I know it will be worth it to see their little tail wagging when I come home and to get all of those doggy kisses and snuggles.

So now it's a matter of timing and finding the right dog...ha...that's very applicable to many different situations in my life right now.  But I am very excited and very happy that I have overcome that emotional hurdle of giving myself permission.

So next week I'm going to check out a dog that I've been eyeing on the Stray Rescue of St. Louis website from a shelter that just so happens to be near my work.


In other news I am just now realizing how busy I am actually going to be over the next few months and it's not going to be fun.  I work full-time in a firm and teach 2 afternoons a week but that means I have to work late every night.  Then I have two callings at church.  One is the YW President which doesn't entail a lot since there are only two girls who have never come to church, so it's more of an outreach calling and being involved in Ward Council.  The other calling is co-chair of our Stake Single Adult Program.  Let me tell you...FML.

I have always prayed to know how I can help others but re-vamping this Single Adult Program is going to be quite the challenge.  Just to give you a little snap shot of what I am going into: there are over 820 Single Adults in my stake alone.  I have recently become acquainted with the leaders in the three surrounding stakes and learned their process, for better or worse, and have come to understand that they get maybe 20 people out to the activities and maybe 30 to the "dances."  So let's do a little math here...say there are on average 700 single adults per stake (ours has 820).  700 x 4 = 2800 people.  If 20 people show up per activity that's only 0.714% of your targeted group.  If your budget is something like $1,500 per stake, $1,500 x 4 = $6,000 total which doesn't sound crazy if you have even a quarter of the people show up to activities.  But the same group of 20-30 people show up every month (yes, they do a minimum of one quad-stake activity a month!) which is less than 1% of the people you are supposed to be serving; that means you're spending on average $240 a year per person.
Spending an exorbitant amount of church funds on entertaining a small group of people is no okay in my book.

It's now the next night...
I went to a meeting earlier tonight with the leadership of the SA Program and it just becomes more and more apparent that this one of the reasons I needed to be back in St. Louis.  As much as I would like to not be single I am making the most of the situation and am very happy that I am in a position where I can help rebuild this program and hopefully make a little impact in some people's lives...as painful, time consuming, challenging, and frustrating this is going to be.

It's the next night again....I keep on falling asleep while I'm trying to finish this post.
Anyhoo earlier I had a little mini-WashU reunion at SubZero Vodka Bar.  The food was mediocre but the company was great.  I then met up with some other friends and watched Avengers at the Science Center.  I forgot how awesome movies are when they are big!  I think I have a hard time suspending belief enough to enjoy movies especially if there are a lot of holes in the plot or technically things are not congruent.  Soooo...I am going to work on that because there are a lot of movies that I have enjoyed for purely entertainment purposes because I had no expectations of splendor.  I think I also get annoyed with seeing the same actors and actresses whose characters I can't buy because I cannot get over their public persona.

I'm falling asleep again so I'm just going to post this as is.  Whateve's.